I didnt want to think of today I wanted to walk though it. I knew I would have to step a little higher than normal and laugh a little harder and listen more intently to everything and everyone. I tried hard to not think to just do. All day I focused on what people said and did. I just stayed outside of me. If I sat fully in myself today, I would not have made it past 10am.
I didnt succeed. I kept having to leave the room to breathe. I kept having to remind myself to breathe. I kept telling me to calm down. To slow my heart rate down. In the moments when my heart started to beat its steady and loud tu-dums. I heard every sound. I even tried getting angry. I wanted someone to piss me off. My heart wasnt in it. My heart wanted to mourn you Mummy. I wanted to cry and rail and demand you back. I kept thinking, it’s been two years. She can come back now man, Jeez. It’s been two years Mummy. I still want you back.
I wanted to scream. No one was hearing, no one would hear. It was just me and you and our memories in Barbados. Mummy I really want you back. I dont want to leave you. I dont want to move on. It doesnt get better with time. It doesnt get easier.