I have always known that I needed my personal altar. My space to focus on the people, things and passions that are important to me. A focal point for my prayers. A space to make my desires, my asks of the universe come alive, to focus on my vision of myself and those I want to be in harmony with the most; and a space to work out what my work should be each moment, each day, each week, each month, each year. So I spent some time figuring out who and what would make my altar. In the process I retreated to silence, and I have been humbled. My heart burst open and my vision is so much clearer now.
Defining the relationship with my son is difficult. It wasn’t always hard but at some point during his teen years it became hard to manage. I have always felt that by bringing a child into the world when I was but a child myself, I had done my child a great disservice. I have agonized over the ways I have harmed him, how I have let him down. Even though my son is 29 years old I still cry over the fact that I did not take him to school on the two days of his GSAT exams. Even though he got high scores and passed for one of Jamaica’s top schools I still find it difficult to let myself off the hook. As I put the altar together and looked for ways to represent my son, I recognize that as 2020 approaches I need to go in search of joy and I need to find peace in this life changing relationship. No other moment in my life has touched me the way giving birth to my son has. I need to find all the joy and beauty that I know is locked up in our relationship. I love my son. I need him to know it and I need both of us to enjoy the best relationship. I bring him to my altar with love and hope. With positive affirming energies. For 2020 we will navigate our challenges with understanding and from a space of non-judgement and acceptance. On my altar he is represented in royal blue, my mother’s favourite colour. Resplendent and shiny, smooth glass stones because I want our journey to be smooth and seamless.
My mother’s death was and still continues to be the one thing I cannot face squarely. I cannot think of my mother as dead. It is so unlike her to not be alive. My mother was loud and full of life. She could walk the shoes off anyone. She had so much good energy. She was such a mother, I always tell people I was mothered well. My mother was patient and kind to her children. We were her priority and she played favourites with each of us. I know I was her favourite, but I know each of my siblings feel the same way. Her love was fair and just. At moments during my day, each day, my mind goes back to that moment at Cornwall Regional when the doctor said ” your mother died this afternoon”; I have been asking myself how come I kept breathing at 3:30pm on Saturday, February 10, 2017. Why did I keep breathing when Mummy’s breath stopped. I read recently that ruminations are dangerous to one’s mental health. I keep re-thinking that afternoon. I keep replaying the moment and putting different words in the doctor’s mouth.
The cinnamon scented candle on my altar represents the sweetness of my mother’s love. Such a love would not dare die. It represents those values and attributes that are in me that she taught me, For example, I can cook, I dont always do it but when I do, it’s from a place and a moment of love. Just like my mother who cooked always with love and care. Cinnamon soothes me and so I ask for more cinnamon moments, where I am secure in who I am and what I am about. Always reminding myself that my huge heart, my wanting a better world are values my mother implanted in me. I am her gift to the world. This meditation ensures that I see my mother as alive in me and my work.
Yellow, my aura has been yellow for sometime now. I am drawn to yellow. I feel alive in and around the colour. During one of my most moving meditations this week I saw myself dressed in resplendent yellow. I was asked to imagine myself at my happiest, successful and content, I was wearing yellow. I met my happy self in yellow. Yellow is on my altar, several times.
“And when you want something the universe conspires,” This is what Paulo Coelho writes in the Alchemist. These are the words on my altar. Written on a smooth stone I found at the beach. A statement of faith, an assertion of hope. My intention to live life from a place of passion and in return I know I will experience my best life. My altar is helping me to achieve clarity for 2020.