I am now realising that you were never a Christian. I now recognise pastor that the story you tried to sell from the pulpit was never one that you believed. I now understand that for you consuming the flesh in church meant sex with teenage girls, it meant sexual abuse, child molestation and all the other ways you fucked our children.
Dear Pastor, the girl who at fourteen told you she was unsure of her sexuality was asking for help and needed a trusted adult to guide her through what must have been a frightening realisation for her She was not asking to be felt up in the church manse nor was she asking to be put in the middle of your marriage as you groomed her for yourself. she wasn’t asking for your wife to gang up on her at fifteen and warn her to leave her husband. Which side of the world is it okay for a pastor’s wife to accost a child being sexually molested by her husband? How did she justify that? Did she at any point consider that she was also being complicit in the abuse of a minor. Pastor the church has been soiled by the blood of virgin girls, 13, 14 and 15 year olds who sacrificed the joy of their first experience to the man who baptised them as babies and confirmed them as teenagers and who serve them communions on Sundays, salivating as they drank the blood of Christ.
Dear Pastor, did you know that camp became a place where girls were being groomed by the clergy? Did you know that as we prayed girls were being taken into the water, not for baptism, no, not to accept Christ but to forcibly tolerate your nasty disgusting fingers as they made their way up their shorts or their swim suits and into their vaginas? How is it okay for an entire institution to turn a blind eye to the abuse of so many? Many of us lost hope at camp, because we saw the obvious injustice and abuse and our minds played tricks on us, because we could not fathom or come to terms with the fact that the clergy, the pastor was the abuser.
Dear Pastor, I use to sit in the pews and wonder what was wrong with me. Why I left church angry and unsatisfied. I could not understand why your words fell so flat, why they did not ‘go forth’ as the Bible had said. I know now it is because you have no soul. You are a cynic and you do not believe in the thing that you preach about. ‘Pastor’ for you is like being a garbage collector or a lawyer or teacher, it is a profession and you are no more convinced of the teachings of the Bible and Christianity than the atheist. I wondered why your sermons were so uninspiring and why they never captured real stories of real people and why they never contained suggestions for practical living. I wondered why you were always so joyless, how you never seemed moved by the message you bought. I now know, you have no soul.
Dear Pastor, have you stopped to check on the many lives you ruined? The girls you forced to lie to their mothers? The girls who no longer trust themselves because your lies and abuse damaged their self worth and made them feel as if they were not worthy, who now know they cannot trust the church and Christianity and who feel empty because they feel like they were made into Jezebel. The families you tore apart and the church members who lost their faith because of you? Pastor, I use to wonder why you seemed un- bothered by the absence of young men in the church, I now know why, you couldn’t stand the competition. You must have been so happy, a whole church of women to have your way with. Pastor, as you are the grim reaper. The devil we fear is you. You are Satan, you are the great evil. You are the danger, you are the one we must not trust, you are the one we must fear.
Dear Pastor, I have no respect for your wife. She was complicit because she knew and she did nothing. I wonder how she could love a man who she knew was victimising a child? What happened to your family and the values you preached at from the pulpit? How did you train up your children? In the way they should go! But you dont know how to raise a child, children for you are just tools for your pleasure.
Dear Pastor, I hope the next time you put on your collar it chokes you.